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How to not be selected for Jury duty 101

My mission to not get picked for jury duty was a total success!
So I thought I would lend my tips to my other civic duty shirkers!

First consider where you live and what "type" of community it is.
Mine is Super conservative, rich, republican, stick up the but hard core Southern Christian extreemists.
So yes this was not too hard for me. :)

First I consulted the top minds in the Nail world...MUA Nail board, to determine a perfect don't pick me manicure. Most felt that bright, tacky and bling would do the trick. I added my own twist.
I used a base of Golden Rose Paris Holographic #102
Middle finger I did a base of Bloom Mena (Thank you sooooo much Jacie)

Then I stamped some random and lovely blood spatters using Konad special polish red and my Hot topic fauxnad image plate. Restamping the small splats randomly.

Is there anything prettier than blood splater on holo?

On my middle finger I added a coat of my beloved Wixbetty franken Sexy Scarlet Stilettos.

I am in love with this manicure!

Next Make sure that your youngest child is sick and keeps you up until after 4am.
If you don't have a small child I am happy to loan one.
Oh and you must have an Earthquake an hour after the screaming child allows you to sleep.
(Don't worry my summers in LA had me having flashbacks and I ran straight for my nail polish closet)
No worries it was only a tiny 3.3 right under my town. Go figure I would find the one place in the mountains of TN that has friggin' Earthquakes.

You want your eyes nice and red

add puffy and huge dark circles.

Now you'll want to dress for the occasion. Unfortunatly they send rules so this was not fun enough to take pictures. I just wore my studded ballet flats, black capri's(with my studded belt) and my black studded top.

Makeup is very important, you want to make a frightening good first impression.
Go for bright bold colors that can be spotted from a good distance. Go extra heavy on that smokey eye or the eyeliner whichever makes you feel pretty.

I used ES Neritic (which is a peachy pink, stuip colorblind camera) and Glooming for the outer v and upper lash liner, my camera did not pick up the awesome aqua sparklies that rock like nobodies business. Mind you I was comatose when I applied so pardon my craptastic application. Phyrra look away hun, I don't want to traumatize you.

And if you are working on two hours of sleep you might luck out like I did and have absolutly no symetry at all. I'm just good like that! I think I was asleep when I blended and we are not commenting on the brows. umkay!

Final touch, you must wear pigtails so that you brand new 3 gray hairs show as well as the 6 inch wide section in the back of hot pink. Not to mention that at 36 years old it makes you look like you are confused about your own age. :) (Damn it I love my piggy tails and Chris says they are handy cute.)
Remember to accesorize with your dog collar choker and handcuff earings.

And when they call you yawn as you are walking to the interrogation chair.
Plop down your giant studded Demonia purse that weighs more than your youngest child.

While the Judge and attorneys are consulting glop on more lip gloss.
(ES Primrose path lippie and a tiny dab of Lillian's light gloss)

Then you might notice the two attorneys looking oddly at you and making head motions.
Then the clerk comes and says that you are excused!
What no questions? I was prepared for questions damn it!

Do your best innocent face as you skip to your car!
(P.S. don't mind my fancy robe, I immediately put on my jammies when I got home)
Well my Lovies there you have it. I do hope this helps you out in your time of need.


98 comments:

  1. Haha, this is greatness! Well done. Thanks for the laughs I needed it today! :-D

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  2. <span>Haha, this is greatness! Well done. Thanks for the laughs I needed it today! :-D </span>

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  3. Oh girl, this is too frigging awesome! LOVE IT!!!!

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  4. Skulda - http://skuldasclaws.blogspot.comApril 20, 2010 at 11:41 PM

    Thats horrible and hilarious at the same time.  That they just excuse you based on how you look.  Makes me vomit a little in my mouth.  You had great taste, though.  ;)

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  5. That was hilarious!!

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  6. That was a damn funny read! Thank you for that! That is a killer mani! :)

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  7. Litteraly, it my cerial killer mani! :-D

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  8. Now you want me to come do your makeup don't you!? :-P

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  9. Lacquerwarefortipsandtoes.blogspot.comApril 21, 2010 at 12:06 AM

    I love your nails!  And you make me laugh so I love coming here to read your stuff!  Thought I better join (and stop lurking) and tell you how fun you sound!

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  10. If I didn't already know that people in power tend to be the most judgemental, closed minded and biased, it would upset me. I'm too old to care if they judge me now and I just use it to my advantage. See I'm much smarter that they think. 8-)

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  11. I do what I can love! O:-)

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  12. ;)  The funniest part is that it's all completely true. lol  If you can't laugh at real life what can you laugh at?

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  13. Welcome out of the shadows! Come join the insanity!

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  14. I LOVE that blood red nail! hot!

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  15. Bwahahaha!

    Now to go shopping for handcuff earrings and a studded dog collar. Ooh! Maybe one with spikes?

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  16. Love the look of the nails!  Blood splatters...does sound perfect for jury duty. Thanks for the tips, glad they worked for you (I'm just hoping I'll never have to see if they work as well where I live). 

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  17. I hope you never get called!

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  18. Mine has studs and a d ring with heart shaped padlock. :)

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  19. Thank you lovie! I hope I didn't traumatize you too badly! Give Phaedra loves for me!

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  20. HAHAHAHA, you crack me up!!  Jury duty avoidance SUCCESS!!  If (well I guess 'when') I get called for jury duty, I will use similar tricks! lol.  Love this post :)

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  21. I'll loan you my spiked wrist cuff! ;)

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  22. Thats so cool! I was suppose to have JD on Monday but when I called they said they didn't need me, thank goodness. I wouldn't have been brave enough to wear the pig tails.

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  23. You are hillarious!! :)  How dare they not pick you!!  The only thing you were missing were the sunglasses so that you could say your red eyes were pink eye that you caught from your daughter, but you were on your way to the doctor's when you had to cancel the appt because you had jury dutu!! 8-)
    Way to go EVIL ANGEL!!

    www.levernischocolat,blogspot.com

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  24. OMG, I think I love you for this. I'm just speechless... bravo!!

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  25. This was the most fun blogpost I've read in a long time! You had me laughing out loud! You are as witty as you are beautiful!

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  26. I absolutely love this! Way too funny and ballsy! You rock!

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  27. I love the nails...I had jury duty at the beginning of the month and although I didn't get picked (even though I went "conservative" with my least flowy gypsy skirt and plain black nails and my most mundane body jewelry lol) I was actually looking forward to it...anything to get out of my craptastic job for a couple days!  I was also told by co-workers that informing the lawyers you believe in capital punishment for shoplifting will pretty much assure you are not on the jury...

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  28. Mom, you forgot your pentacle....such an amature.

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  29. Ahahaha this is amazing!

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  30. Hahaha, perfect.

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  31. Hahahahaha!! Hilarous. Great plan.  8-)

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  32. Heather / EyeconicApril 21, 2010 at 4:33 AM

    This made me CRACK UP. You're too funny!

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  33. haha great advice! 

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  34. Hilarious!  I'll pack this advice away for future use. 

    Oh yeah, I love the mani too!

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  35. OMG! LOL =D You're crazy!

    And your courts work in weird ways...

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  36. You can store it in the useless information part of your brain, that's where most of my brain activity is!

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  37. Just tryin' to help where I can! ;)

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  38. It worked like a charm

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  39. It was much better than plan B and there was no need for laytex makeup.

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  40. Oh and I got half a bench all to myself!

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  41. Yeah but I had big plans for that $10, lol

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  42. I was going to borrow Chris' upside down cross necklace but I was so tired I forgot. Oh well next time!

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  43. I've served twice and it was so boring I'd rather watch books on tape. :(

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  44. According to my husband I have huge balls! :-D

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  45. Awwww....you get bonus points for the using the words witty and beautiful!

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  46. Well I never got to speak so they missed my great answers.

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  47. Yes it does love. We are randomly selected to go sit for hours while we are judged by the attorney's and judge. Then they choose who get's stuck on the jury. But they pay you a wopping $10 a day while you are being forced to listen to them.
    It's cruel and unusual punishment which is supposed to be against the law. Go figure!

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  48. HAHAHAHA thats great. I love the mani!

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  49. SilhouetteScreamsApril 21, 2010 at 8:09 AM

    EPIC WIIIIIIIIIIN :D if I was ever able to be selected for jury duty (I'm a foreign citizen so I wont be) I would follow this to a tee.

    And sjdlkajsdlk this is my favourite mani you've ever done :)

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  50. yessssss I got bonuspoints *does silly happy dance* :-P

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  51. oh my gosh, girl, you totally cracked me up!

    that is AWESOME!

    I am SOOOOO doing this if I ever get called!

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  52. oh, and you are the prettiest sleep-deprived girl i've ever seen!

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  53. ~Elizabeth aka Lacquered LizardApril 21, 2010 at 8:58 AM

    I would have played it a little different, showing up conservative to be selected, and then blowing their minds after. :)  Thereby throwing a wrench in their works of BS that we call our court system these days. 
    I've been called to serve, but not selected only because they reached complete jury before my turn came up. I'd be happy to serve actually. But mostly to toss that wrench. :p

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  54. yardsticks4lunaticsApril 21, 2010 at 10:34 AM

    FABULOUS!!!!!  *laughing with tears*

    :B
    ~Tiffani

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  55. LMFAO! This entire blog entry is SO great. I've been laughing since I read the title!

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  56. I love this! It cracked me up. You are fantastic!

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  57. Omg- this was hi-la-rious!
    Love the "innocent" look in the last picture.

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  58. Oh shit that was funny. I've always wondered what would happen if I were called for jury duty. I have already had so much trouble getting through airport security. I wonder if I would have the same problem in court with all my body jewelry and metal studded clothing. I set off the metal detector and get patted down and wanded then watch their faces flush when and where it beeps.

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  59. O.M.G. This was priceless!!  I love the nails and the descriptions were great.  Thanks for sharing some tips with us. :)

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  60. Your nails took great!
    oh btw ZOMBIE sent me here

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  61. HA! HA! HA! Love it! You are so made of awesome.
    I just wore my LE Slayer shirt from 06.06.06 to jury duty. It helped. That and glaring at my fellow jurors.

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  62. hey love, i came here. zombie told me to

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  63. LOL! You're hilarious! Well done for dodging jury duty! Everything just errr.... fell into pla ce, I see. Your nails were definitely the highlight! :D

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  64. ahhh! very well planned (and funny)!

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  65. ahhh! very well planned (and funny)!

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  66. Thank you! My mani was the most fun

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  67. Hugs! How are you lovie?

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  68. You should also growl when people get close to you! :-D

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  69. I try to be as helpful as I can!

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  70. Oh they would die if went through security one right after the other. ;)

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  71. You notice how good I am at that face, it has been used a few times!

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  72. Love it! Great job!

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  73. Sarcasm, just one of the free services I offer! lol

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  74. ~Hands you a tissue~

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  75. I don't think I'm capable of faking conservative.

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  76. Hugs ya big liar! :*

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  77. Cerial killer mani's rock!

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  78. Thank you love!

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  79. Nice work!  I'll have to remember that if I ever get called for jury duty. 

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  80. This is the most awesome blog post ever!

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  81. You are hilarious! This was hysterical! Oh how I needed this laugh. Your manicure is amazing too!

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  82. This mani totally rocks!  I love it!

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  83. I think you look totally adorable.  What's wrong with these people?

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  84. This makes me wish we had a jury system here, just so I could put one over the know-it-alls that clog what passes for a justice system in my country. Because, gurl, you rock, and you showed 'em, and all 'innocently,' too, of course!

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  85. This is the most awesome blog post ever!

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  86. Thank you! My mani was the most fun

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  87. ahhh! very well planned (and funny)!

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  88. oh, and you are the prettiest sleep-deprived girl i've ever seen!

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  89. Your nails took great!
    oh btw ZOMBIE sent me here

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  90. Thank you lovie! I hope I didn't traumatize you too badly! Give Phaedra loves for me!

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Please comment, I love hearing from you all! XOXO